GOP Candidates Roast Trump (as told by vegan dishes)

Many jabs, not Jeb!, were taken in the, using Rand Paul’s word to describe Trump, “sophomoric” GOP debate on CNN.

The debate began by displaying a new candidate on the Varsity stage, Carly Fiorina. She was asked how she felt about a fellow candidate, Bobby Jindal’s statement. Jindal made a comment about Trump being only an entertainer, how he has a great, big temperament and shouldn’t be trusted with the nuclear codes. Speaking of temperament, the composure Fiorina displayed when answering this question, and all other questions asked of her during the debate, were eloquent and mic-drop worthy. Fiorina responded, “All of us will be revealed over time and under pressure. Trump is a great entertainer and has done great things in that field. Though this is not for me to answer, it’s for the voters to answer. I have a lot of faith in the voters of the United States of America.” 

Fiorina earned the biggest applause as she skewered Planned Parenthood. “This is about the character of our nation and if we will not stand up and force President Obama to veto this bill, [to defund Planned Parenthood] shame on us.” If she were a vegan dish, she would be one that captivates, holds the attention of the room, in a subtle way, and most importantly is as fancy as the pearls worn around her neck. She would be a: Spicy Warm Silken Tofu with Celery and Cilantro Salad

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The rest of the candidates will just be mentioned by name…

Trump: Last debate, Trump came out on top. Trump’s tactic, to well articulate his attacks on his opponents. This debate, Trump stumbled and made many meme-worthy faces (see video below).

Jeb! called out Trump for having lack of judgement and understanding for the world of politics. Trump fired back, and said that he has been in politics his whole life and then said, “Look, I’ve been in politics for 3 months.” What Trump? You’re confusing me now.

When asked about foreign policy, Trump’s jibber-jabber managed to save him. Trump is in business, he does business, we get it! Trump speaks as if he were a Spicy Chimichanga with Vegan Queso Blanco. A nice appearance, but deadly inside.

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Jeb! (Have to use the ‘!’): This go around, Jeb! Successfully tackled Trump in more ways than one. Trump suggested that Jeb!’s Mexican-American wife was the reason for his support for comprehensive immigration reform and the reason he was speaking Spanish. Regarding Trump’s comment about Jeb!’s wife, “To subject my wife into the middle of a raucous political conversation was completely inappropriate, and I hope you apologize for that, Donald,” Jeb! said. “Why don’t you apologize to her right now.” Trump would never apologize for anything, “Ya fired!” Jeb! would have to be something unapologetic and lively, considering how un-boring he was. He would be a lazy VEGAN ratatouille 

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Rand Paul: The only notable moment in this debate for Rand Paul, was when he was asked whether he would trust Trump with the nuclear codes, Paul said no. We won’t be seeing Paul anywhere anytime soon. Paul is bland, he is the Canned Vegan Refried Black Beans.

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Marco Rubio: Rubio tried to attack Trump differently than the other candidates; he highlighted his strengths and what he would do for our country. Oh wow, actually some conversation that could help influence the USA voters! Great job, Rubio! When Trump attempted to acknowledge Rubio’s voting absence in the senate, he conjured up a punchy attack, “I have missed some votes because in my years in the Senate. I’ve figured out very quickly that the political establishment in Washington, D.C., in both political parties, is completely out of touch with the lives of our people!” Rubio was patriotic during this debate. What is more patriotic than a vegan veggie hot dog?

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Chris Christie: We get it. It is very hard for a candidate to be given the air-time one deserves. Christie attempted to insert his two-cents at every given opportunity. Christie’s 15 minutes of fame was when the camera hovered over him and said, “While I’m as entertained as anyone by this personal back-and-forth about the history of Donald and Carly’s career, for the 55YO construction worker out in that audience could care less about your careers.” It was a great comment. But again, our star of the night, Fiorina, stated that this is what the debate is about, “Highlighting our attributes and letting the voters decide if they can resonate with your own background and if it were to prove efficient in running the country.” Christie reminded me of a peanut butter sandwich with bananas, great if you have nothing else in your fridge.

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Ben Carson: I have read that Carson is gaining momentum in the polls and is trailing not too far behind Trump. Carson provided the audience his “shtick,” which was composed of half-wit humor. No assaults or attacks on Trump. Trump mentioned that he holds a special admiration for Carson. During the debate, Carson was a smart cookie. He strayed away from the drama. Carson was a vegan chocolate chip cookie.

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Scott Walker: Who’s Scott Walker? Still, no one knows. BUT he gave Trump two right hooks and a jab in the gut. Walker said, “We don’t need an apprentice in the White House. We have one there right now.” Trump tried to fight back by saying Walker’s state is in extreme debt, “2.2 billion dollars” in debt. Because of Walker’s critically acclaimed (by me) one-liner, i’m going to name him my favorite dish, a vegan veggie pizza, but frozen, because his one line wasn’t that original.

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John Kasich: Planned Parenthood – he’s definitely not for it. Katich main argument involved the viral video that “showed” Planned Parenthood selling baby limbs and such. Definitely hummus and carrots. Boring and sloppy.

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Mike Huckabee: Didn’t want to take on Trump. Huckabee is a baked potato because he was, well, just there.

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Ted Cruz: Didn’t want to take on Trump, but knew how to speak in front of the camera. Every time the camera was focused on Cruz, he would recite a Shakespearian soliloquy.  Ted Cruz was a dramatic; he would be an quick and easy strawberry smoothie.

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Best addition to the night: Democratic Candidate, Bernie Sanders, was live tweeting the debate. He was fed-up of the back-and-forth arguing; the candidates were “not discussing real issues.” Sanders added his voice to the conversation via Twitter.

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